In the Process of Being One of Those Artsy Fartsy Bums You See on TV

2007-02-10T13:01:00.000-08:00

I have been through the slums.
Where ethereal cockroaches sip their cups of coffee
to last them through the night.
Where the intoxicated zephyr numbs you from the realities of life,
A poison so lustfully desired one dreams of dying again
Where the malevolent demons coax you to dine with them
no doubt, the best meal you will ever, ever taste.

Put Some Color in My Life

2007-02-02T05:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if life was just an endless cycle of nothingness; if we were meant to see each day as a canvas to be painted and repainted again and again because there is no such thing as a masterpiece.

I don't understand. I wake up, I laugh and laugh more and laugh a little bit but at the end of the day when everything ends, when my tiny little eyes close I enter this pit of tranquil loneliness and at the end of this pit I fall again, from the start, when the sun rises, when my tiny little eyes open.

I have gone through everything I want to go through. I do not want to journey to the end of the Sahara, I do not want to fall from the very peak of the Niagara Falls, I do not want to try eating 10 footlong hotdogs, I do not want a lovely damsel in distress, nor do I want to fly.

I have ventured in my everywhere. I have journeyed all throughout my whole world. There is nothing left. Show me the trapdoor to the other dimension, show me something new, show me something virgin from the peering eyes of strangers. Put some color in my life.

Of School and Ear Piercings

2007-01-23T05:01:00.000-08:00

It’s been a week since I last slept well and honestly, this isn’t doing me good. I have been struggling to do better in school and all these failed attempts are killing me. I got my advisory grades. No F’s but I can do better. The results depressed me. I don’t know what happened to me. That grade report slapped me on the face; showed me what I’m worth.

I am currently under the process of self-mutilation, one of the many goals I have in life. I got my ear pierced - again. It took me a minute to ready myself though, a record high. The past two piercings were a piece of cake, I don’t know what’s up with this one. I have three now. I’m thinking of having a tattoo (a small one on my calves) but am thinking otherwise. My emaciated body might not handle the pain.

In ES class something struck me. I felt a sudden surge of emptiness. I need my God.

The Villanelle

2006-12-15T07:32:00.000-08:00

The Villanelle is an extremely strict and demanding poerty form with a complex structure - six stanzas, five of those are tersets (three lines) and the last, a quartet (four lines). The rhyme scheme for the five tersets would be an A B A and for the last quartet, an A B A A. The villanelle, for some reasons pertaining to its origin, has frequent repetitions. Loss, is mainly of the Villanelle's theme. My poetry class assigned me to make one. And I made a fairly stupid one right here:

Inevitable

Joshua Lagandaon

An inevitable - the parting of ways;
though journeyed from afar, an effort so vain.
O'er the gold-trodden mountains, nothing stays

Even through the golden dusk the sun ends days,
the hummingbird sleeps and the crow cries in pain.
An inevitable - the parting of ways.

The twilight splits. The midnight glistens rays
of rusted hope. Shine, rays, shine that I may gain
the memory of my love, her glorious face.

Beyond the ochre woods of sorrow will race
your Prince, your Duet, your Love. Though the rain
falls, a perilous journey I shall soon face.

The moon must part and the sun must shine. The days
must end and the nights must rise (infamous chain).
Sing to me, that I may hear your voice, your pace.

Though to journey I must, it is Destinys case,
tis he who decides if grief must remain.
An inevitable - the parting of ways.
But I wait, my love, if my love must race.

2006-12-13T07:33:00.000-08:00

>
Perpek Lab

Kanina nasa-FX ako, sa pinaka likod. Sa harapan ko dalawang matanda, babae at lalaki. Nakayakap yung lalaking matanda sa babaeng matanda. At yung babae naman hawak-hawak ang braso ng lalaki na tila sumisigaw ng, "Never let me go." Yung yakap nila parang pangtin-ejer. Nagulat ako kasi minsan lang ako makakita sa pinas ng mga matandang nagmamahalan na parang wala nang bukas. Buong biyahe ata nakangiti lang ako sa kanila. Gusto ko ganun din kami nang swerteng magiging asawa ko. Ang swit swit nila. Parang Perpek Lab.

2006-12-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

Okay. Hear me out.

The most amazing but unusual thing happened to me. Nasa taxi ako pauwi.I think I had a bit too much wine to drink from a friend's house party that I had this strong desire to write something. I grabbed my journal and started scribbling stuff down on paper. I wasnt even looking. My hands were doing all the work while my mind drifted away along the heavily air polluted streets of Pasig. The taxi dropped me home and I forgot all about what I wrote until I read it again the next day. I was shocked. Cause what I wrote was about something that happened to me a long, long time ago. The thing is, this is my unconscious talking (or maybe the wine), NOT ME. So this is what came out:

The night was of peace, sorrow and destiny. The quiet street bristled with apathy yet all we heard was the symphony that dwelled within us - a duet of molded hearts. There we were, enjoying the air that was pure in every way. In that exact time our hearts were synchronized.

But it was inevitable - like our lives were already printed in history. We were there, beneath the star studded skies when your eyes radiated with innocence while mine of grief, regret, anger and confusion. I wanted what was mine so badly. And what faced you was nothing more than a past - a past that I wish you once deemed important.

No.

This is not love.

For love is something perpetual. It is everlasting. It does not wither. It never fails. It is designed by the hands of God. Its essence is weaved by the Omnipresent.

But what was it? Was this merely a bond? One that is created when beings converge and understand each other holistically? Was the pain caused by the lack of something that was once part of you and at the present is fondled by someones arms?

I wish not to know the whys or the hows. What I wish to discover is the cure that will alleviate the bruises that this foolishness has caused me; to wipe away what is left of my tears with a handkerchief that is no longer soaked.

2006-12-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows im a creative writer. I have to conform to the norms of what a perfect writer is - a writer who writes with material, substance, coherence, a decent choice of words, blah, blah, blah. Everything that my hand jots down must be perfect, untainted, flawless and marvelous. Nothing should be of the ordinary. I must be unique. I must have my own style. I must be this, I must be that. Just like my blockmate Bea Celdran said in a writing workshop, "We carry the burden of our name. There is pressure in a creative writer because everything we write must be perfect. If we fail, we are judged."

But why is it that I took this course? Why is it that I chose to train under this art? Why is it that I branded myself with "creative writer" written all over me and in turn am punished by the pressure it exerts on me? But alas, I shouldnt be tormented by this situation at all. Why? Because I took this course so that I could learn about it. I am not perfect. Even now I believe that what Im writing isn't worthy of a Palanca Award, but soon though, it will be.

2006-10-10T04:19:00.000-07:00

To all those people who I snobbed in the past - be it in the kosta walkways, the xavier waiting shed or the gonzaga hall - I am deeply sorry. It is of utmost importance for you to know that I AM BLIND AS A BAT. My eyes are defected, at least I think they are cause they're both 325 in grade. Haha. Don't hate me... :)

2006-10-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

>Hell Week

If I ever want to have a future in this school, I'm gonna have to work my ass off. Im in what they- those with an overflowing Blue Eagle Pride- call the infamous "Hell Week". This seven-day period is when you get bombarded with so much papers to complete, so much stuff to research on, read, and study. I am not enjoying it, just to let you know. I think im losing weight... not that there is still something to lose... because of so much late nights. My hatest thing is, the feeling I get when I sleep on my homework, or any task assigned to me, reassuring myself that I'll only take a nap, realizing that when I open my eyes for a second, my body feels heavy and there's already sunlight on my window. The guilt is unbearable. I dont know why I'm like this. Coffee doesnt work on me. I tried several times but the heat of the beverage just makes me even more sleepy. To show you how much I persevere, Im not going out tomorrow! Yeehaw! hehe! Im going to bum myself at home with my papers and books. Im gonna have so much fun!!! :(

RECAP!!

>Ryan Camus's Super Awesome English Block House Party!

We planned our very first English Block super awesome house party! Yey! *applause*. It's at Ryan Camus' house. His house was a palace. Probably a hundred times bigger than mine. We dined on Yellow Cab pizzas all night. To wash it down, I had my very first taste of luxury, a chilled glass of wine which I enjoyed for the first time. I was shocked to find out that Ryan actually played the piano. He not only played the piano, he owned it. He played a couple of popular masterpieces such as: The Flight of the Bumblebee and Rhapsody in the Blue ( hope i got that right). He doesnt look like anyone who would play the piano. Haha! It sounded like the ones you hear in five star hotels, only I was just one-foot away. I savored the music and closed my eyes with my head bobbing to the beat. I never enjoyed classical music this much. I went home amazingly early (my "early" during weekends is 1 PM below. Hehe..). It's the perfect time to sleep.

2006-10-05T05:58:00.000-07:00

Fun Kills: A ~~Night~~ Morning of Excessive Partying

Club Nostalgia is what I call it. There are times when I yearn for the eardrum-bursting sound of the club, be it house, hip-hop or trance; the ambience, the dancing, and the cancer-filled air. These are the things I want my weekends to consist of. I really don't know what I find amusing in the club, the company of my friends perhaps. But why don't I find tambays similarly interesting? Well that is because there are two Joshes in this world: the subtle one, prominent in the situations wherein the presence of alcohol is made available, and the wild-I-dont-care-about-the-world one, seen most frequently during the combination of music and friends. The latter is the one that invades the clubs. Yesternight was different. I have never stayed in one club for too long. I exceeded the climax and was entering the downward fall. It wasn't fun anymore. The ear-piercing music wasn't pleasurable anymore. That coupled with the smoke-filled air gave me headaches...

Despair

2006-09-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

Im so sick of blood. Im so sick of death. Im so sick of sadness, of despair, of loneliness.

Im sick of the world and it's numb people.

We will never heal. The world is in its downfall. Nothing can save us now.

We have plummeted to the depths of no return. We are six-feet-under, with corpses rotting beside.

Curse those who plan to save the world. Their efforts are in vain.

Nothing can save us now.

Being blind is supreme ecstasy when visions around you resonate darkness and death.

I yearn for light, I pray for just a ray, just a sparkle of hope, a minute omen that there is tomorrow.

I call for change, for justice, for peace. I call for my God, my savior, my light.

The Unsaid

2006-09-22T04:19:00.000-07:00

FICTION:

The Unsaid

Where did you go? Do you even know what time it is? Who gave you the authority to leave the house anytime you want to? You want to have that freedom? Then dont live here! As long as you sleep in my bed and feed on my table, you abide by my rules and nothing else. Listen to me! I am your father!

I told you! It was traffic! Thats it! Im sorry okay?

Why are you answering back? Dont answer back!

You asked me a question.

What now? Explain yourself!

I already did.

Speak up for gods sake! Open your mouth! Were you with your stupid friends again? You seem to value them more than me!

Thats not true. This is my fault, not theirs.

Its three AM! You know people get killed on the streets at this time of the morning!

I die when I die. Please stop. I dont need this.

Were you with your friend Gian again? That pig?! Hes nothing but a bad influence! For once Josh, choose your friends!

I hate it when you blame every thing on my friends. I hate it when you insult them. What friends do you want me to have? Priests? You arent perfect yourself.

The reason why youre like this is because...

of your friends.

... of your friends!

Your friends are stupid.

Your friends are stupid! Youre grounded for...

probably a week, or a month perhaps.

...a month!

Finally. 3, 2, 1...

Go to your room!

Bingo.

2006-08-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

Just Plain Happy

Dont you sometimes have those days wherein everything just runs so smoothly almost so mysteriously perfect that God seems to be right there beside you? This day is one of them. These are the days when you just want everything to end so that nothing else can have the chance to ruin the rapture you so very much desire. These are the days when you go home with a big smile on your face and this unbelievable lightness in you heart. These days are what I want my whole life to consist of. Impossible. Yes. There must always be those malevolent demons that foster darkness within you, cursing you till kingdom come. It may be of my power to make the day right, but try as I may, the darkness is external.

Life has its ups and downs. There is no equilibrium. The downs are there for variety, I say to myself. Nothing can break me down.

Yes

2006-08-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

Sleepy

Going home by ten is not a joke. Im sooo tired and sleepy. Just when you thought you are free to warm the bed you get attacked by homeworks which wont let you sleep till they're done.

Right now Im enjoying the long breaks cause I get to hang out with my friends ~~when in fact I should be studying~~. At least Im having fun. My blockmates are hella FUN! Ateneo's a blast.

*yawn* sleepy time...

2006-07-14T03:24:00.000-07:00

Tanghalang Ateneo (Ateneo's Theatre Arts Org.)

They told me to act this out with full emotion. It was SO HARD!

"Situation...
Imagine the end of the world
then quickly a transition,
you begin to discover that there is hope
another transition,
you tell everyone about the spark of hope you found but they dont believe it.
You are left dismayed.

we must be able to see the switching of emotions, no stopping.

now...

act this out while singing 'ocho-ocho'
In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ACTION!"

Believe me, this wasn't easy. I was confused and unable to think clearly. There was pressure cause there were a lot watching me. I looked stupid. I really did. I think they think so too. At least I had the GUTS! Haha! Makapal na talaga muka ako ano ba yan... I did what eveyone else does: imagine you are alone in a room acting out to yourself. It works! Hehe! Fortunately, after the interview, I PASSED!!! Hahahaha! I have an Org.! Joy!

2006-07-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

An earthquake...
Debris falls
People in chaos like rats scattering everywhere
Nurses shouting, "Dont panik! Dont panik!"
Medical supplies cover most of the ground
Wheel chairs rolling everywhere
Patients with IV still connected in them clash to the walls
Flourescent lamps dangle from the ceiling
sparks of electricity...
the ground separates..
A hit on my head

a moment of dreadful darkness

and then...

consciousness...

My eyes open

The morgue

Beside me lies the cold, rotting, ashen and seemingly moist body of my grandmother
her face inches beside mine
eyes white, shrunken and decaying
hands clenched on her chest and shaking
her expression yearning for help
a sharp pain in my heart
my eyes close, breathing retaliates, the pounding stops...

The sound of rain rattles from the ceiling. The air cool and comfortable. I feel moisture on my pillow. It was a dream. The same dream that haunted me for some time now. I dont know what it means...

2006-07-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

Ateneo 101

Before I start doing my homework, hear me out.

Im having a blast in school, thankfully. Everything's new to me. There are so much new things for me to discover. The future is for me to absorb. Stepping on Ateneo grounds is like stepping on unfamiliar territory. I am thankful to have my blockmates in this incredible journey to who-knows-where. Although I consider my blockmates "aliens" too like I am, their culture and lifestyle are very intruiging. In this biological community, adaptation is the key to survival. I am so not used to the things they find importance in. It feels like only yesterday when I would go ranting out to my friends the perils of life in an absolutely inane way of speaking the tagalog language. Only yesterday when I would dance to the sound of hip-hop music with my friends. Only yesterday when the only person I could talk to about art is my literature teacher. Only yesterday when I had the skill of singing along with every song my classmates would sing.

A step in the Ateneo grounds and a fantastic three weeks, everything has changed. I have learned the basics about what almost everyone would call their "dream" school. I now laugh on the common misconceptions people make about Ateneo. Let us tackle the subject of conyosism. Not everyone in the school is, what you would call, "conyo". We are a mix of your typical stereotypes: the nerd, the cheerleader, the jock, the sexually-preoccupied maniac, the stoner, the upper-class men and so on. Today, no one can seem to define the exact and appropriate meaning of what a conyo is. For some a conyo may mean a person gifted in the art of the english language. For some a conyo may mean someone who dresses like one. For some, a conyo's a conyo just because they're rich and they live in Alabang. For me, a conyo's a mix of the three. We're well off topic here. SKIP.

Music. Music has taken so much of my blockmates' life they actually feed on it. Right now, I do not know what music they are listening to, what genre or who sang it. I am an alien to their whimsical world of guitars, pianos, violins and the like.

Books. Wasn't it just yesterday when I was considered the nerd in my class just because of getting hooked up on one of them? Well, nerds make the majority of us now, my own kingdom of friends who actually have read one of them without pictures on it.

English. PERIOD

Arts. There is though, one thing that seperates my Creative Writing block from the others. Our seemingly deep ardore for the passion of the arts. It is nice to know that there are actually a lot of people in this world of my age interested in writing too.

Humor. Extremely different compared to the one im used to. This will take some getting used to.

My friends, I have been in the same school with almost the same people for six years, each of them I dearly love and miss right now. But now, I have come to the realization that all of us must move on. We must all be adept in the process of adaptation if we want to be someone in life (this doesn't mean giving in to the claws of peer pressure though). Accept. Accept and absorb. Live and learn and love...

Shet

2006-06-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Nireto Ako sa Katulong!

The night life. A noisy escape from the perils of the real world. I love going out often with my friends. Kanina lang I was in eastwood with my friends Kiro, Bernard, Vernice, Elaine, Star and Donna. I brought my two cousins too.

Anyway, the highlight of the story was in Blue Onion. Tinatamad ako magkwento. Nireto ako ni Kiro sa katulong. Natawa ako. Ayoko, pero nakakahiya. Kelangan sayawin. That was it. Sleepy time... :)

Jologs to the Max

2006-06-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

Humiliation at It's Best

I have betrayed the god of coolness, I deserve to be punished! I would consider myself jologs, on occasion though, not frequently. But now I believe I journeyed beyond the jologs line, where no jolog has ever been before. Call me shallow, call me corny, I DON'T CARE!

The incident started with a simple call from my friend Vernice. Innocent, welcoming, exciting. She told me that her mom chose 5 people from my school including me to appear on-air, rather, to participate in a dance contest. Wow! I was flattered ~~although not surprised 'cause I know I dance well.~~ She told me the competition was to be held at the ABS CBN studios. With that given, a couple of things ran through my mind. One, I couldn't picture myself competing in those silly TV dance competitions with opponents having different jologial characteristics such as the usual anak-araw colored hair and over-sized hip-hop jogging pants. No. I was better than that. But Vernice is everything to me. She is a dear friend and I love her. Besides, she said there was no competition between us and those who would audition too. We were FAR better she assured me. Well then, with that given, it wasn't that difficult to agree. Ok. A trade of when, where and how soon began. We were off to the ABS CBN studios.

The day started off excessively early. I was still tired and deprived of sleep from our ONE NIGHT practice. Only ONE NIGHT. No polishing, no mistake pointing of steps, just ONE NIGHT. The practice was uber lame. I knew from the start that we wouldn't win but who the hell cares? Lets just do this for experience. Meeting place was in Vernice's house. I was LATE as usual. They all expected me to be. We headed off to ABS. They made us wait for, let me see, about 5 hours? With nothing to do but to gawk and stare at the passing celebrities. Celebrity hunting is not my thing, believe me. Nothing too special about them but appearing on TV. We're all people. You're no special than those janitors who you pass by and eye-roll along the ABS hallways. Anyway, enough of the artista hatred, where was I? Ok. We were off to the studios. A middle-aged man met us along a never-ending hallway studded with gigantic doors providing entrance to numerous studios. The man asked us for our troupe name. We all paniked. To make matters worse, someone shouted, "STARS! We're the STARS from ROSARIO, PASIG!" I'm really not quite sure who made this unforgivable mistake. STARS was too lame for a dance troupe name. TOO LAME. I cannot be known worldwide with a dance troupe named STARS. I just can't. I still have my dignity you know? Fine, it's only a name, at least we dance well! Inside the studio were A LOT of people. I mean a lot. I started to feel my heart beat. I'm usually not embarrassed when about to perform on stage. These people were professionals. They were psyched up, in COSTUME (which we didn't know we needed), and ready to go. The group names were called. Named ranging from "SUMISID" which was a group dressed in swimsuits and VHOYZ ATTRACTION (over accentuated version of Boy's Attraction, ARGH!), an over jologs group composed of, umm, jologs with leather jackets and anak-araw hair.

First group was on and man were they good! They threw like almost 1500 degree frontflips and backflips in the air and they did it without effort! Right then and there I was ready to backout. We were good but not THAT good! These people know what they're doing and clearly we didn't know what we were! I wanted to back out but it was too late. Our name was called, "STARS FROM ROSARIO PASIG!". I wanted to curl and make like a tree from embarrassment. We approached the stage with a seemingly plastic cheerleader smile on our faces. The music played. I didn't know what I was doing. I made mistakes. HUGE ONES. One you'll never forget even after a year. Our dance consisted of only 3 different 8-count steps repeated 3 times and then finished. T'was too lame. A camera was present for later reviewing of the judges. I just wanted to finish this hell then move on with my life. There were no more dance steps left but the music played on. We weren't really supposed to finish the dance. The judges had disgust written all over their faces. "Tapos na kayo?" they said. We agreed. Off the stage we go with our heads down. I have never been so humiliated before in my life. Count this as my most embarrassing experience. A form will be given to those who impressed the judges. They will be appearing on TV for the first competition. The audition continued with each group seemingly better than the last. The competition ended after all the groups performed. One by one accepted groups were called unto the stage until none but four groups were left sitting on the audience chairs, INCLUDING US. The winners stared at us and grinned. I wanted to die. Hit myself with a chair or something, I DONT CARE!

I will never go through that hell again ever. I was lucky we didn't get accepted. The competition had JOLOGS tagged on it. Sorry the story got too long. I just had to stress each situation.

OrSem

2006-05-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ateneo Orsem BABY!

I don't really know what to feel right now. I guess APPREHENSIVE's the right word. Im REALLY excited and I don't know what to expect. Im just happy that I got into a GOOD school. God blessed me too much! There's so much going on in my mind right now and Im loving it! Haha!

I guess the OrSem Night's the highlight of the century! I heard a lot of good bands will perform there! haha! Im currently imagining mosh pits, sweat, headbanging and the like but I guess it's not as wild there as I suspect! Anyway, Im signing off, sleepy time... :)

China

2006-01-26T00:06:00.000-08:00

In China Once Again

Arrived in China last January 25. It's my second day here and Im freezing to death. It's damn cold! Leaving an enclosed space isn't a joke anymore, it's damn cold! I miss sweating so much! And I miss running! I can't run here cause it's damn cold! Taking a bath is everyone here's worst nightmare. Stepping on the bathrooms tiled floor feels like your stepping on ice! Literally!

How's the food here? It's actually a thrill in not knowing what you're eating! Hehe! Yesterday, in a fancy seafood restaurant, I was eating this jelly like string out of a material like wood. After consuming a plate of it, I discovered that those were grubs, those fat maggots enclosed in plant stems that you only see tribes eating in National Geographic Channel. No reason to fret cause I ate them already anyway.

The education here's awesome! And I mean awesome! Finally, I felt the "international" in an international school. All of the teachers were awesome.

Anyway, Im off to shop for clothes...

Satisfied

2006-01-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

More Than Happy

Rewind...
Whenever I look back at all the things I've done for the past 16 years of living this fragile life, all I can say to myself is im more than happy. Im living a great life and Im content with it. Content is such a simple word. Content is being happy about what you've got. Im beyond contented, I've got more than I asked for and I thank God for it. He made me special, and I love Him for it. Im glad of all my shortcomings, without them I wouldn't be strong.

I pity all those who waste their lives doing things that would break them in the end. Pathetic fools. All of us are given chances, we just have to grasp the oppurtunity and suck the succulent reward that comes with it. But what do they do? They let them go in exchange for nonsense, an utterly complete, unadulterated nonsense, throwing their lives away like there's no tomorrow.

Im happy... that's it.

Passing Ateneo

2006-01-12T03:24:00.000-08:00

Passing Ateneo

I got this unstoppable urge to boast... forgive me...

Personal Essay

“Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized that have helped define you as a person?”

A man is created by his past and changed by tomorrow. “How little it takes to make or break us.” A single strand in time can construct you into what you will be before the very second of your death. Sometimes you stumble, sometimes you fall, and sometimes God gives you the courage to pick yourself up again, dust yourself off and continue with your life. I am a man of many experiences, mostly good ones I guess. All the hardships I have in life, I believe, are made by God to make one stronger and better than he was yesterday

The experience I value the most was receiving my very first accolade at 2^nd Grade, it was a medal for 2^nd Honors. It might seem shallow but standing on stage for the first time in front of many people awoke me to the measure of my capabilities. I was proud to be good at something at last.

The medal opened my eyes to brand new horizons. Suddenly I thought to myself, “Surely I can do better.” So I studied. Every time, after going home from school, I would rummage through our so-called “library” which was merely just a cabinet filled with books and such. I would take hold of a book everyday and promise myself to finish it no matter what happens, even if the words were too hard to understand. I was told that books can take you on a journey to places where you have never been before. In front of me were pieces of the world just waiting to be discovered. I journeyed to Taj Mahal in India, vacationed in the beaches of Hawaii, got chased by tribes of many sorts, got killed on a plane crash in Amsterdam and feasted with the Knights of the Round Table with nothing but a book in my hand. Through these books I learned a lot and because of reading I did better at school. Receiving my very first award for 1^st Honors delighted me. I was now confident of my capabilities. At school I joined clubs, drama plays, quiz bees, varsities, and art competitions trying to sense what other things I can do good at. Getting into my school’s badminton varsity team was also one of my most treasured experiences.

I thank God so much everyday that he made me the way I am. I know that God has a purpose for me which would probably be too hard to discern because of its greatness. I believe God has prepared something for all of us, something too good for us to know yet. The Lord did not bestow our family with exorbitant amounts of money so my parents do not answer to my every whim but we do enjoy the little luxuries of life which my dad could sometimes afford. I like to think of my successes as treasures more valuable than money itself. I am proud and thankful of all my experiences in life, be it good or bad, because I am proud of what I am today.

T

2005-10-25T04:36:00.000-07:00

Journal Entry No. 2
October 25, 05

It's been a pretty long time and I've got tons on my mind. Im confused, Im broken, Im tired, Im irritated, Im deprived of sleep, Im apprehensive, Im anxious, Im eager, Im everything...

Before, I used to be irritated with people who rant in online journals, but now Im one of them, sucks to be me. These journals are meant to be vents, vents for anger and sometimes for happiness. Someone just needs to listen. Sometimes you just got to share your despair so you wouldn't be carrying that luggage of worry all the time. Right now Im encumbered, like a balloon filled with so much air delighted with the sight of a needle. I just need to release...

Let me tell you about something you wouldn't understand...
In an effort to be anonymous, Joshua writes a poem about a moment of despair...
(Beware, the cornyness might kill you...)

Up there,
It was heaven.
Beside me was a treasure
worth more than Gold and Silver
with eyes glittering like diamond sunshine
To part with a treasure
guarded with utmost measure
is hell to the innocent
and heaven to the evil
"Why do you have to go?"
"Why do you have to leave?"
Your soul strongly fastened with the devil's grip
The depths of fire blinded you, binded you
I try to ignore and enjoy this new pain
my fire I pray to be drenched by rain
I want to forget, and never regret
The time of torture, of torment, of pain
Now I return, "Up there," "Up High"
With tears down my eyes and weakening disdain
I try to remember the treasure I had
worth more than Gold and Silver
with eyes glittering like diamond sunshine...

This is enough...

Gimmik

2005-08-27T02:48:00.000-07:00

Journal Entry 1

August 27, 05

I. SCHOOL

Went to school ( I think I was late again), studied for this long Literature test and found out the quiz was "open book" (you get to browse the answers on your notebook) which got me pissed off. The school's saving electricity so aircons are turned of in the morning (couldn't concentrate because of the heat). At lunch I ate adobo as hard as rocks (literally). Scored high on Economics and Physics test (proud of myself).

II. TAMBAY 1
VENUE: Sassy Chef, Greenwoods
Went with my friends. I ordered my favorite, "crabmeat sandwich" (savored every bite cause I was hungry). I suddenly wanted to go somewhere, I missed all the gimmiks. I told my friends to go with me in Galle, YOF. A lot agreed so I went home, decided not to take a bath anymore cause my brother was in the bathroom. Put on my clothes, washed my face, spritzed on some cologne and off I go.

III. TAMBAY 2
VENUE: Galleria
Went to YOF and enjoyed the service. My friends wanted to go to metrowalk so I decided to go too but I had to go home early so...

IV. TAMBAY 3
VENUE: Elbow Room, MetroWalk
Played a game of billiards, chatted for a while, had a few drinks (not alocoholic). Saw Farica! Man I missed her. Had to go home now but we had to bring Josh home so...

V. TAMBAY 4
VENUE: Josh Delarosa's House, Valle Verde
Stayed for 10 mins, ate some spam, listened to some of his reggae music and...

VI. HOME
Home at last. I guess I'll sleep now, my eyes are closing...

Back Again

2005-08-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

Back Again

It's been awhile. And now Im back, with colored hair! Hehe! The school colored my hair blonde for the school play "Sound of Music." Now its all shiny and glittery under the sun... sooo gay. That's me with the yellow vest on the right (gwapo ko no? alam ko...). Anyway, I just finished my exams. Finally I can breath. Second Quarter nanaman. Panibagong pagaaral, panibagong chapter ng buhay. I promised myself to not slack off this time, got to do better. As of now, Im stressed. Stressed with all the exams, projects, assignments, extra-curricular activities (naks!), and application forms for college (I finished U.P. and Ateneo already.).

Man, the UPCAT sucked! Sobrang nakakatunaw yung math nila, good thing di ako nakatulog. They told us to brink snacks while taking the test, how can I freakin eat if everytime I try to open a pack of Lay's pagtingin ko sa watch ko 5 mins. nalang?! But personally, siguro 50/50 yung results ng test ko. I really like to pass U.P. but I won't be disappointed if I didn't kasi at least I know how hard their tests are. I took creative writing. Hopefully it's a nice course cause I don't want to study anything boring, I had enough of High School life.

At school, there are issues, everyday, the usual teenage drama between my classmates. Sabunutan dun, sabunutan dito, sigawan dun, sigawan dito, my kingdom for CIVILIZED CLASSMATES! Hindi ko nalang pinapansin, I don't want to get involved in other people's drama, my time is too precious for that. :) Well, that's it. It may take a month or two for me to write again (hehe, I think, too busy with school) but I'll try to write more often, as for now, AUFWIEDERSEHN! :)

Shucks...

2005-06-12T02:54:00.000-07:00

Shucks... School's Back...

Every young man's worst nightmare is when vacation ends and school starts. I can't believe it. Two more days and its gut busting time. Work, work, work, work, work, and more work. The only good thing I can think about school is my friends and how I miss them. Hehehe. Im in 4th year already and I settled my mind on taking psychology on college! To really let you feel how much I hate school, i'll give you ten (10) reasons why I despise it.

TEN REASONS WHY I HATE SCHOOL

1. I hate waking up early and not having my breakfast.

2. I hate being late and being reprimanded when I get to school.

3. I hate arrogant teachers when in fact, I think im smarter than them.

4. I hate eating the same food day after day in the cafeteria.

5. I hate the sun shining in my eyes early in the morning when school starts.

6. I hate being right under the school bell when it rings cause it hurts my ears.

7. I hate taking early morning showers when the heaters broken because it gets to **** cold.

8. I hate it when teachers wake me up when I suddenly fall asleep in class.

9. I hate it when chalk dust enters my nose.

10. I hate "BACK TO SCHOOL" posters posted everywhere I go.

There, I hope that's enough. Oops, gotta go get school supplies, and make that number 11, "I hate buying school supplies before school." See ya...

Bakasyion

2005-05-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

Hot

Summer Vacation. The only time when weary students can get the rest they very much deserve. But how the heck can we rest when it's super hot? With temperatures ranging from 32 to 42, who can stay asleep? Microwave pare. My skin is getting extra crispy already. Our house is the only shelter away from the heat. Buti nalang our dad installed an aircon in the living room last year. If not we'd all be lechon by now.

How's my social life naman? Hehe. It's cool I still get to hang out with some of my friends. But frequently Im with my two cousins Carla and Katrina. All we can do now is chill in the clubhouse since wala kaming pera.

School's about to start and guess what, yup, you're right! I HATE IT! But I do miss some of my classmates already but that's about it. Everything about work and study pisses me off right now. I have to enjoy this very last vacation before I enter the realms of fourth year living... Gotta sleep now. Tis' getting late. Zai Jian...

2005-03-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

Winners

Losers, what we call the heavily insulted and discriminated group. The bell rang, it was lunch time, everyone raced to the canteen, and there she was. Sitting on that cold chair with her hands between her thighs, staring relentlessly on the tiled floor. I hurriedly closed my math notebook and all I could imagine was food, I needed to eat. I saw her. Pity greeted me with a smile. "I'll eat in a while, wanna' come with me?" I said.

"Uh, no thanks, I'll stay here nalang,"

"Oh c'mon! Dali na! Get your food, let's eat downstairs." I coaxed her.

"Hindi, I'll eat here nalang."

"Want me to join you? Hati tayo diyan gusto mo?"

"Hehe, sige na nga..." she said with a forced smile.

She sat on her chair, her eyes never made contact with mine. For her, this was an awkward moment. I tried to catch her eyes, trying to assure her that I am comfortable with this moment but her eyes were concentrated on the cold adobo that surprisingly made my mouth water. She gently filled her spoon with food and ascended it to her mouth, her hair was in the way, but she didn't mind.

"Bakit ka naman nandito?" I asked her even though I knew what she'll say.

"La lang," she mumbled with food still in her mouth.

She handed the spoon over to me, I took a bite. She chewed. Suddenly, her face went into a grimace, a tear went down her cheek. She was crying. She was afraid to show. There was pain all over me like a dagger through my heart. I ached for her, for what she felt. She placed her hands over her face, her tears penetrated through. She was lonely. So incredibly lonely that it made her burst into tears.

"Ey, ok lang yun." I tried to comfort her.

She did not answer.

I handed her my hanky, fortunately unused. She dried her tears.

"Ok na ko."

I knew she was not. I knew what she felt. The yearning to talk to somebody, the yearning to be accepted, the yearning to be just be like everybody.

"Tara, libre kita coke. Ok lang yan, let's eat downstairs, tara."

And there we were, alone, eating...

School

2005-03-04T23:15:00.000-08:00

School...

The teacher's lecture echo through my mind like the constant rattling of a typewriter, naks. School was cool today. There was this time awhile ago, the teacher left the room and all my classmates scattered around the room like rats. I was sitting down, drifting into sweet sleep until I noticed something. Their were groups. Groups I have never seen before. "Kikay" girls on my back, conyo boys on my left, the kalog and "manyak" boys in front of me, and the so-called "sudras," (Hindu term for "outcasts" or "slaves") on my right. And then something hit me, if you put 30 people in a room as 1, they'll group themselves according to their attitude, personality, appearance, intellect, interests and so on and so forth. Hehe, its interesting. I was amazed because I don't find it hard hanging out with anyone of these groups. I feel comfortable with each one of them. Thats it...

At Last

2005-03-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

IM BACK...

Ok, now Im back. Hehe. Finally. After a long month's rest I find myself here typing another entry. A LOT of significant things happened which would be too long to discuss. You prolly know the feeling of having so many things on your head you want to say but you end up saying none of them at all because they're just too many. Im feeling that right now. Right now, Im stressed. I've got one too many projects I DON'T like to do. I lack sleep and I have to get FAT in three weeks because if I dont I have to pay *Charmaine* 500 pesos worth of cellphone load! Fat, man, I can only dream. I can almost see myself walking with 3 or 4 extra flabs of skin hanging out my tummy. Fat is only a dream, a goal so long forgotten, a vague and distant misconception of my true self. *sigh. Hehe. Anyway, I think I'll try to make more entries, only if I have time. Sayang 'tong blog na to, PRAMIS! Hehehe.

Title Schmitle

2005-01-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

Title Schmitle!!

I just found out something VERY irrititating. If you click on the right hand side of this blog, you will see stars... stars of gayishly flamboyant colors scattering along malevolently in all shapes and sizes, soooo gay... grrrr... Those stars never showed up on my computer! WHY? Why do I have so much bad luck when it comes to blogs? It was there when I got this skin! I guess I have to live with it, I guess you have too guys, hehehe, sorry. The stars may symbolize something actually, my feminine side, wahahaha! Kidding.

Anyway, school was incredible. I missed a lot of my classmates *sob*. It's cool I get to hang out with them again. A lot of my classmates blog to, it's pretty surprising. Gotta log off, do mah homework (being a scholar isn't that easy you know... the pride...)

Intelligence

2005-01-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

Ohhhhh...

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Now I know. It's good Im planning to take journalism in college! Hehehe! Words are cool! (sounds a bit nerdy to me... hehe!)

Party!

2005-01-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

Parteh All Night!

I'm really getting a hang of this party all night thing! This New Year's season is something else! And yeah, the fireworks in Citron (citron is a street in our village where my grandmother lives) is simply the BEST! Spectacular! Spectacular! Im also getting a hang of this bar thing too! Hehehe! I actually danced! It was in IPANEMA in eastwood. And guess who I saw inside? The VIVA HOT BABES! Hehehe! They're actually pretty up close but even sluttier.

New Year with the Family!

We would go home ate 4 in the morning! Hehehe! And I would sleep at 6 in the morning and wake up at 4 in the afternoon! Aint that something else! :) It gets you really tired! Believe me. I'm supposed to go to another party tomorrow, Soleil's "Get Together" party, can't wait!!!

Fireworks

2004-12-28T21:20:00.000-08:00

Fireworks, Fireworks

New Year's fast approaching and the midnight air is beginning to get rattled by countless booms and bangs from flamboyant pyrotechnics. This noisy yet spectacular display of aerial flowers and sparkling lights never fail to reel in the ooohs and ahhhs of amazed audiences.

Apart from this joyous ritual of greeting the New Year comes the misery of children with broken fingers and blinded eyes. Yes, we find the display of fireworks pretty amazing but do we actually know how many people get hurt or even die from this? I admit that I myself love fireworks, I mean, who wouldn't?

There have been already a hundred people hurt from fireworks in the Philippines just this moment. Hindi pa naguumpisa ang New Year, ayan nanaman. What Im saying is, while we're enjoying our New Year with our families and while we're having our share of our own fireworks, let us not forget that there are bed-ridden children out there suffering from the pain of dislocated body parts. What has supposed to be fun, has been hell for them...

Just Awesome

2004-12-26T02:36:00.000-08:00

Just Awesome...

Everything is inevitable. You start a new day never knowing what will happen next. This day is one of them. I started the day with a usual Christmas gathering with the Lagandaons in Citron street. Everything went fine. After the celebration, we went to visit my tita Jacky in a home. We rarely visit her. Her eyes were filled with joy, I felt pleasure from this.

We went to eastwood to converge with the rest of the Lagandaon family again. The fireworks in eastwood were spectacular. You can see the people gawk, grovel and stare with their mouths open wide at the sight.

I also met my classmate Vernice who I was about to kiss (on the cheeks that is) , but she pulled me away cause her parents were there!!! Hehehe! Hi Vernice! After that, it was party time! I am not afraid to declare that I AM an amature when it comes to bars, dancing, tight spaces and a mosh pit! Hehehe! It was the FIRST time a entered a BAR! And yes, I am under eighteen! Hehehe! With help from my cousin Chico's driving license, I got the chance to enter! Hehehe! How devious! Hehehe!

The Lagandaon Clan

I was completely shocked at what happened inside. People were on close contact with each other and the sounds man, in deafened my ear! It was the time were silence was so much better! That bar was a place were insecurities should be put aside! Oh man! Was that hard to do! Too bad, we had to go home early... :(. I had so much fun. It was the "first time for something" moment that ended too soon.

I miss school... :(

Merry Christmas!

2004-12-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas...

Oh yeah! The spirit of Christmas is in the air! Its time to experience Christmas carols, noche buena, and the pleasurable yet polluted Christmas air! It's getting chilly outside everyone! Hehehe! I'm about to celebrate my Christmas eve with my mother side's in Discovery, and oh yeah, Im excited! Yayaman nanaman ako! Im goin' to start collecting all those red Chinese envelopes with money inside!("am pao" ata tawag dun eh...) I got like, 8 merry Christmas texts from my classmates! Awww, thanks guys! How thoughtful! And for those who haven't given me gifts yet, wag na kayo mag-abala, pera na lang! Hehehe! Oh shoot, I gotta take a bath... :)

Merry Christmas to all my classmates! hehehe! Specially to Jannisen and Noelle, yung wala pang gifts saakin! Hehehe! Joke! :)

Yes!

2004-12-23T03:02:00.000-08:00

Yes!

Obviously, this blog was a success! Hehehe! This blog I made with my own sweat and blood! Im so proud of myself! *sob* Im never letting this go! Hehehe! My 5th blog! Im so happy. :) Anyway... Gosh, it's late. I can't believe Im still awake. Just to let you know I've been working on this blog since 8 oclock. Arent you proud of me! Hehehe!

To Gc:
Gc dude, lemme ask you a question. Do you actually love her? Is this really love? You said she wants to get back with you right? Well, gusto mo ba? If you do, then I guess I have no choice. You're asking me if she wants to get back? How am I supposed to know? Im not God! It's your choice dude if you're comfortable with her. Basta there's once thing you're supposed to do: check you're priorities. First there's God, then there's your parents, and then theres school, then there's your love life. Think wisely...

Oh wow, I guess I have to sleep. It's getting really late...

inevitable

2004-11-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

Inevitable

Everyday, a start school with a lesson from a teacher who I can probably call "dunce". Social Studies require adequate brain power so if you're mentally weak, then I think you shouldn't be teaching it at all. I know I'm not the person to judge cause I know Im not perfect but what the heck! I can't stand it! She makes outstanding grammatical errors so frequently that even I can no longer understand what the heck she's saying. She often makes mistakes while writing on the board too. "But everyone makes mistakes!" you say. But this is something else. She makes mistakes every three minutes! How can you stand that? No one could! We would often backstab her with laughing. We couldn't stand it. Then something awful happened. Our last subject, homeroom, is where we and our class adviser could mingle and talk about what happened during the day. My advisor told us something REALLY surprising. "Class, what you don't know is, your Social Studies teacher is handicapped. Her right eye's blind." We were struck with disbelief. Blind? Man! That's something else! We started to pity her so much. We just couldn't believe it.....

Urrggg...

2004-11-18T07:02:00.000-08:00

I'll do whatever I can to revive this Blog... hehehe, I never get it past 3 months with one Blog. It's starting to irritate me. But when ideas surge into my mind, I get this longing to write just about anything. I don't want any of those fancy blogskins anymore. I find it difficult to handle them (with all those extra buttons and screaming neon colors...). But I'll try to find a decent skin though but I pray in God's holy name that it would turn out good. Hehehe. Im looking forward to a happy blogging experience... amen.

Ugh...

2004-09-18T03:14:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm tired of creating new blogs... each blog I make turns out to be a disaster. But don't mind me, I'm not asking for your sympathy. Just shut up and listen. If this blog turns out to be a disaster just like the past 5 blogs I've created, tell you what, I QUIT!!!!!